I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
