He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize