dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
