Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
