My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize