Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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