This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
They took my balls.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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