I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
