I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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