I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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