Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
