Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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