I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
