please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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