3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
