Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize