i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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