Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize