What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
