i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
