I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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