Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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