I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
