allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Where is the hickey?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
