The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
