My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
