my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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