I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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