woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
