The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
