Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
