Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
