I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
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