just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize