Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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