I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
