You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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