did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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