3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
wanna go halves on a baby?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
