Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
