I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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