Small penises have feelings too.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
