dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It's official drugs can't kill me
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
