Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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