My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
