I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
