my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
