How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
