I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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