She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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