Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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