the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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