i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize