I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
