Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
