Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
